Free humorous sayings, quotes and quotations
And on the eighth day God said, Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!
~humorous quotes by Author Unknown
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
~inspirational sayings about Humorous quotes by Jack Benny
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
~humorous quotes by Elayne Boosler
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
~famous quotes about Humorous by Douglas Adams
Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
~humorous sayings by Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
~humorous quotes by Charles Schulz
Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
~inspirational sayings about Humorous quotes by Author Unknown
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
~humorous quotes by Song title by Jimmy Buffet
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
~famous quotes about Humorous by Author Unknown
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
~humorous sayings by Woody Allen
How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?
~humorous quotes by Author Unknown
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
~inspirational sayings about Humorous quotes by Steven Wright
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
~humorous quotes by Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
~famous quotes about Humorous by Author Unknown
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
~humorous sayings by Author Unknown
Pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think: How easy marriage is.
~humorous quotes by Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Why, can you imagine what would happen if we named all the twos Henry or George or Robert or John or lots of other things? You'd have to say Robert plus John equals four, and if the four's name were Albert, things would be hopeless.
~good sayings about Names by Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
The best way to knock the chip off your neighbor's shoulder is to pat him on the back.
~humorous quotes by Author Unknown
There is little chance that meteorologists can solve the mysteries of weather until they gain an understanding of the mutual attraction of rain and weekends.
~motivational quotes about Weather sayings by Arnot Sheppard
The moment a child is born, the mother is also bornShe never existed beforeThe woman existed, but the mother, neverA mother is something absolutely new
~humorous sayings by Rajneesh
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.
~humorous quotes by Changing Times magazine
There are some defeats more triumphant than victories.
~good sayings about Adversity by Michel de Montaigne
Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship--never
~humorous quotes by Charles Caleb Colton
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
~motivational quotes about Action sayings by Calvin Coolidge
Our wedding was many years ago. The celebration continues to this day.
~humorous sayings by Gene Perret
If I thought I was going to die tomorrow, I should nevertheless plant a tree today.
~humorous quotes by Stephan Girard
Why do they put the Gideon Bibles only in the bedrooms, where it's usually too late, and not in the barroom downstairs?
~good sayings about Very True by Christopher Morley, Contribution to a Contribution
Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.
~humorous quotes by Samuel Johnson
Be a good animal, true to your animal instincts.
~motivational quotes about Humankind sayings by David Herbert Lawrence, White Peacock, 1911
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day
~humorous sayings by Robert Frost
Too many so-called historians are really 'hysterians'; their thinking is more visceral than cerebral. When their duties as citizens clash with their responsibilities as scholars, Clio frequently takes a back seat.
~humorous quotes by Thomas A. Bailey
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
~good sayings about Religion by John Lennon
Oh God, if there be cricket in heaven, let there also be rain.
~humorous quotes by Alec Douglas Home
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
~motivational quotes about Success sayings by Arthur McAuliff (Thank you, Fernanda.)
There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.
~humorous sayings by William J. Clinton
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